I’m sitting in my living room, looking at my Christmas tree and listening to my kids playing together. All of the happiness surrounding me, and and I’m doing every thing I can to hold back the sobs. This will be the first Christmas we have without my mom. I finally understand what it feels like to my friends who have lost parents.
My mom is always the first person at my house Christmas morning to have breakfast with us and to open presents. I can’t remember the last time she wasn’t here with us. In fact, I don’t think there ever has been a time I haven’t spent my Christmas with her, even before I got married and had a family.
I am lucky though, my mom hasn’t passed away. She is, however, in the hospital on a ventilator and sedated. She won’t be awake Christmas Day. I will go to see her after all the presents have been opened and we’ve had breakfast as a family. But she won’t know I was there or remember it when she wakes up. I’m glad that I will have that opportunity. So many of my friends have lost parents and don’t have these moments anymore. I won’t lie and say I’m not devastated.
But for now, I put on my ‘mommy pants’ and pull it together for my kids. I smile and laugh and cherish this time with them while on the inside I’m breaking. My heart will not be whole again until I hear her voice and watch her play with her grandchildren. On that day, my heart will heal and my tears will be happy instead of sad.