To the Friends that I’ve Lost

To The Friends That I’ve Lost, 

First let me apologize. I’m sorry that we are not friends anymore. I’m sorry that my mental illnesses have caused a divide between us. And I’m sorry that you won’t be around when I get better. 

What you don’t understand is that it is hard for me to make friends. I don’t trust people often because I am afraid of being hurt. And too many times I have let my walls down for someone, only to have my heart broken.  

I never used to open up about my illnesses because I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone else. This is hard enough for me to go through and you shouldn’t have to shoulder that weight with me. But when I do let my walls down, and tell you what I’m going through, you always say that you want to be here for me and help me. You tell me I can always talk to you. Herein lies a huge problem. Part of my illness is that I withdraw from everything when I’m at my worst. I isolate myself from everyone. Everything in me shuts down. I start living inside my own head. So, I stop reaching out to you. I stop calling or messaging. I respond to messages that are sent to me, but they are usually short conversations. I don’t want to tell you how sick I am because I don’t like being the girl that complains all the time. And after a while, you stop checking in on me. You feel ignored by me and you move on. And again, my distrust of people is proven to be true. You prove to me that I will be abandoned. So again, I turn inward.  

You need to know that I’m not ignoring you or what’s going on in your life. I’m just unable to reach out to you when I’m sick. I want to know how you are. I want to get together with you on a good day. Hell, spending time with you might be exactly what I need to HAVE a good day. But you aren’t there anymore. For a little while, I thought it was my illness making me think you were drifting away from me. But the months went by and I started noticing that it wasn’t just all in my head. I have lost you like I have lost so many ‘friends’ in the past.  

I suppose I should be used to this. It’s happened so many times in my life. But to be honest, it hurts more and more each time I lose someone I truly thought was my friend. And I fall apart every time. I blame myself for losing another friend. I beat myself up for my ‘stupid brain’ because it’s the reason this all happens again and again. Thankfully my family is there to catch the pieces when I break and slowly they put me back together. And then the cycle repeats. I’ll meet someone who I think I can trust and slowly I’ll let them in and pray that it doesn’t happen again.  

While I know I have already lost you, and I’m so hurt that I will never be able to let my guard back down with you, I also know that I do have a few friends that will be here for me no matter what. I know that they will call until I pickup, come over uninvited to make sure I’m ok, invite me out even though they know I will probably decline. I know that they will TRY over and over again until I am better. Sure, I may only be able to count these people on one hand, but at least I know I do have them in my corner. 

So, my lost friend, one day I am going to be better. And you are going to see me at full strength, happy, healthy and loving life. Remember that I didn’t choose the path we are on now. My illness started us down one path, and you chose to take another. And I’m sorry that you won’t be next to me when I get my life back. But I’m not going to dwell on that anymore. I can’t dwell on it because it will eat me up inside. I’m going to focus my energy on getting better, and on the friends who didn’t leave me when I was curled up in a dark corner crying. I’m going to fight for those friendships. But I am not going to fight for something that is already gone.  

I suppose I should thank my illness for helping me find the people I can truly count on. My illness may be hurting me now, but one day I will be stronger because of what I had to fight through. 

I truly wish you a happy life. And I hope you never have to feel the way I do now. 

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